I realized why R had to leave me and break my heart. I loved them too much. I loved them so much that I was not open to the love others were trying to give me. But R never gave me the love that I needed. When I met R, I thought loosing them would be too much heartbreak for me to bare. Loosing them terrified me.
R had to break my heart so that I would be open to C. So that I would let C in, so that C could give me the love and support I so desperately needed. In some ways I love C too much too. But it’s different this time but C returns that love and supports me. C cares about me more than anyone else has ever cared about me.
If R never broke my heart, then I wouldn’t have gained one of the most important people in my life.
I used to hate R. I hated them for what they did to me. But now I’m thanking them.
They let me go so that I could receive what I needed more than anything.
1:06 am • 10 October 2014
I don’t want C to love anyone else. I want to be her one and only. I want her to love me the way I love her. the truth is that i’ll never be able to be with anyone because they will always be 2nd to C. C is the one that has my heart and she will always have my heart.
9:28 pm • 3 October 2014
so maybe C does care about me. I know she does. even though the sick part of my brain says she doesn’t. she says that i rely on her too much and that she wants me to have a support system. I know what I tell her is for attention - its the HPD. I haven’t even told C about that diagnosis yet.
its a Skype convo though
and i don’t even know how to talk to her about it though
12:43 am • 29 September 2014
i just wish C was back. I know she is back soon. but its not really enough right now. She barely talks to me. She doesn’t see/understand how much pain I’m in. how much i need her. whatever, she doesn’t care. I don’t have a best friend. I never did. If i had a best friend, she wouldn’t have gone to australia, she wouldn’t have abandoned me, she would have known that i wasn’t okay and needed her here.
It doesn’t matter. I won’t be making it through thesis. I’m going to die anyway.
10:14 pm • 28 September 2014
Last night C said that after she graduates our friendsheep is going to be based on Skype dates and messaging and being long distance. I told her I didn’t like that. She said she wants me to come with her. Idk I could do that. I don’t like change. I’ve never just picked up my stuff and moved without a plan.
2:34 pm • 4 September 2014
i’m having this crazy dissociation of having a hard time believing C is real. I mean, I talk to her every few days to every other day. We skype every once in a while. But it just feels like she isn’t real.
Maybe its because I have a hard time believing that she just left me. Even though that isn’t what she did.
When I’m in trouble and I message her, she says she is here for me and she says she loves me. But she isn’t here though. She is just messages/texts on a screen. I force myself to believe that there is a person there. A person that truly cares about me. I just don’t know.
It would help me if we skyped more, like once a week instead of maybe once a month.
But i don’t know how to talk to her about this because I don’t know to really put it into words.
I just want it to be january.
But also I don’t want it to be january. That would mean that an entire year has gone by and I am still struggling to stay alive.
I wanted to be okay by the time she got back.
but that doesn’t seem like a possibility
12:41 pm • 2 September 2014
I can’t fucking believe C.
it seems like she doesn’t fucking care about me at all
12:55 am • 3 August 2014
Tonight I let autumn take control.
I let myself enjoy the darkness instead of hiding it
I let my stay up and watch the sunrise over the city
5:36 am • 26 July 2014