so i was social today. I model for this chick in my year who I don’t know very well so it was a bit awkward but went well anyway. and then i went to Y’s to help her shoot.
so i was so happy i was being all social and stuff. And Y and I used to be close but then she got all distant so I was like yay I get to hang out with her. Well no. I helped her shoot and then basically she kicked me out. I was there less than an hour and the whole time she was texting her boyfriend. idk. I feel hurt, but then I don’t.
This is all just reaffirming the fact that no one cares about me.
idk, i was hoping that tonight meant that Y and I could start hanging out again. She lives with in walking distance from me too.
I just feel used and unwanted
C still hasn’t talked to me. I thought she’d check in. I mean she says she cares about me right? doesn’t that mean she’d check in by now? She’s been on Facebook. I can fucking see she’s been on Facebook.
maybe i’m a bit obsessive. but I fucking miss her. she’s 10,000 miles away.
and she’s supposed to be my best friend. part of me just wants to not contact her and wait for her to contact me.
but i’m terrified she won’t. I’m terrified that she doesn’t actually care. I’m terrified that she’s going to leave me.
cause that means I’m actually alone and no one cares at all.
C hasn’t really talked to me in a day. and I know how that sounds. But i relapsed and went to the hospital. and she checked in to make sure I got home and was okay. but that’s it. and that was yesterday morning.
like you think she’d check in after that. to see how im feeling. and she’s been online. Viber’s telling me she’s been online. She hasn’t seen my messages. but she could have turned that off because she doesn’t want me to know that she’s seen them.
I’m starting to think she doesn’t care. I’m starting to think she went to aussieland to get away from me. And that she doesn’t ever want to come back. Or she just wants to pull away.
I just hate this alone feeling.
I feel like no one gives a shit. including her.
Im really not sure what to do or feel.
C told me before she left that she’d still be here for me, even though she was going to be in aussieland. and she is. The funny thing is that she’s there for me more than everyone in new york is.
people here say they care. but every time i try to open up to them, they either - shoot me down, tell me I need help, acted socked, make me feel sicker, or a million other negative things.
i miss having someone around that actually cares about me.
Its really lonely.
Im terrified that I’m never going to see C again. She seems like she’s having such a great time in aussieland. for real. she keeps saying how she’s surrounded by people who she thinks love her and care about her. well i love her and care about her more deeply than any of those fucking people.
I just want her come back. I need her to come back. but she told me she’s applying for a work visa after this semester. and she’ll probably get one.
i just need her.
I need her to be here for me.
no one here care about me.
I feel completely alone and abandoned.
i don’t know how much more of this I can take.
yesterday I kicked my bed/wall area. and now my foot is black and blue and hurts like a motherfucker. But its okay i guess. It’s not the end of the world.
in other news, I told you that R fucked off. and they did. But they also have been looking at my blog (my real one, not this one) every single day since they’ve stopped talking to me.
Like if they cared that much that they want to know how i’m doing. Then why the fuck did they stop talking to me?
It’s so fucking stupid.
C and I skyped for a really good amount of time today. and lt was really nice. I almost forgot for a second that she’s 10,000 miles away. I smiled. at least I think I did.
but then I found out she wants to stay in Australia longer than July. and that she wants to get a work visa once her student one expires.
I just want her to come back. I just want her back on my couch. I just want her back so everything can be okay again.
cause until she comes back. nothing is going to be okay.